I found out that listening to his needs and doing things "his way" works the best for us. Unlike when I read/somebody tells me that this or that should be done, then I think about it, decide to give it a try and then we both end up frustrated. But it does not mean he can do whatever he wants because I am very much aware children need boundaries mostly because it gives them security.
It is kind of difficult in today's society let the child lead because people are worried that the child is a manipulator and is misusing their parent's goodness. I believe Naomi Aldort is right in her book Raising children, raising ourselves that children want to be good, they are not born as manipulators who are testing their parents or little "evils" who have to be disciplined, so they would become decent members of the society. Children learn by observing the world around, (monkey see, monkey do, right?), Maria Montessori calls it absorbent mind, not really sure how they Steiner calls it, but that's not very important, my (Aldort's) point is that if I behave right, children will too. I can already see it on Teodor that he tends to copy my behaviour, which puts some pressure on me to "behave right", like stop eating in front of my laptop without a plate or leaving mess behind. Setting an example is one of our main educational tools. But how we discipline our son should not be the content of this article, so back to having the child as the leader...
Another aspect of people being worried to let the child lead is the highly appreciated independence (because if the child leads in the first year/s, it will include a lot of dependence). So when I mention that Teodor is currently being carried about a third of the day (for naps, shopping,...), some people tend to comment on it like he was never going to gain independence or start telling me how their child is already independent, doesn't want to be carried, etc. I believe/hope he will get what he needs and then he will get off my back again. Yesterday I read an article that an average 6-week-old baby in the USA spends with feeding in mother's arms about 3 hours. Three hours out of 24! It's just scary because babies need the attachment in the first year and 3 hours is just so little. But it was not that different with Teodor -when he was born, my boyfriend didn't want him in the bed, I respected it, and he was not carried because he didn't demand it but when he became 2 months old, he no longer wanted to be in his rocking daybed, so I started babywearing a lot, which led to bed-sharing and attachment parenting. Then he started crawling and started sleeping well in the stroller, better than in the wrap, so I followed his lead and sold most of the wraps. At the age of 11 months, he started walking and started to have serious problems with falling asleep (I guess his brain must be like a very very busy computer), but the carrier (not wrap) helped him to fall asleep, so I started using it. Tula carrier also helps him with calming down when having a tantrum, so there is nothing easier than buckle him in, walk around the apartment for a few minutes and then put him down. The same when he has some nightmares at night, we could try to wake him up (which is recommended, but very difficult, actually) or I just put him on my stomach, walk for a few minutes, put him down, give him breast and continue the sleep.
Yes, I sometimes get a bit unsure if he is ever going to nap somewhere else than in Tula or if he's ever going to stop having tantrums, but then I see some teenagers on the bus and realize that this all will stop one day and it will be a good story to tell, plus I believe it will give him a good starting point for his life, being sure that there is somebody who deeply cares about his needs, which is something child needs more than being independent. Of course, I don't want to raise a 5-year old who wouldn't be able to play on his own, but for some reason I am not worried this will be Teodor's case, he can have such a focused play on his own even at the age of one. He just has problems with calming down on his own because the world is just too interesting and helping him with that is not such a self-sacrifice.
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